Indianapolis native Abdul-Rahman Kassig, also known as Peter, was adopted as a newborn by Ed and Paula Kassig but formed a close bond with his birth mother, Rhonda Schwindt.
He sought out Schwindt and his siblings Jana and Sam once he turned 18. Now that second family is struggling to deal with the 26-year-old aid worker's murder at the hands of the so-called Islamic State.
Barbara Harrington sat down with Schwindt on two occasions to talk about how her family is coping with the loss of a brother and son.
The following transcript has been edited for style and clarity.
Q: How did Peter come back into your life 18 years after you gave him up for adoption?
A: Well, I was fortunate enough that the Kassigs and I communicated the entire time that Peter was growing up. So I had an idea of what Peter was doing and what he was interested in.
They would send me pictures, and they would send me updates on his grades and what he liked in school. And so, then, when he turned 18, I just got a call from the adoption attorney who said that Peter wanted to meet. He not only wanted to meet me, but he wanted to meet his brother and sister because he was aware that he had a brother and sister. I had kept Paula and Ed up to date on my growing family as well.
And, so, Peter then called me that same night, and we talked on the phone and agreed that we both wanted to meet. And it was the next day, and we chose to meet at a Starbucks. His mom had told me—Paula had told me that he would be driving up in a green pick-up truck and that's how I would know it was Peter.
But I knew it was Peter right away anyway because, as soon as he got out of that truck, he looked just like his little sister. So I knew it was Peter and I met him at the door, and he just walked up to me and said ‘Are you my mom?'
And that was it. We sat and talked for a really long time, and he told me how much he wanted to meet me, he wanted to meet his brother and sister, he wanted to meet my husband, and he wanted to be part of the family. And so we arranged the next day for him to meet Jana and Sam.
Q: What was that meeting like?
A: Oh, that was really unbelievable. With my husband, I sat Jana and Sam down and told them about their big brother. They were 12 and 10. That was not an easy conversation to try to explain, but they were both very excited. I told them he would be coming by the next day, and they had lots of questions.
They wanted to know how they would know it was their big brother because there are so many big brothers in the world. They were worried that he would recognize them, but they wouldn't recognize him. So I told them about the old, green pick-up truck that he would be driving down the street.
They devised a plan that they would sit on the front porch pretty much all day until they saw that green pick-up truck come down the street. And as soon as they did, they ran across the yard, and right into the middle of the street, and Peter stopped with the truck still running, and jumped out and they just fell into a big hug right in the middle of the street. It was the purest expression of love I think I've ever seen, and they were brother and sister from that moment on. There was an immediate bond between the three of them.
Q: Talk about the role that Peter then played in their lives as they got to know each other more. What did he mean to Jana and Sam?
A: You know, Peter embraced everything in his life fully. Nothing was ever halfway with Peter. And he fully embraced being a big brother to Jana and Sam. It was just immediate. There wasn't even a period of time of awkwardness. It just—he was their big brother, he was my son. My husband considered him a step-son. He had a key to our house...he came and went the same way that a member of the family would.
He immediately took an interest in whether or not his 12-year-old sister was dating. He came over and would help Sam with his homework. They went everywhere together, and they went to movies together. You could tell that they were trying to cram in a lot of stuff in a short period of time because Peter was leaving for basic training. But it really was as if there had never been a lapse in time. It was as if they had always been together, and it continued to be that way.
Q: When Peter made his decision—after coming back and serving overseas—to go back and become an aid-worker, how did you react to that?
A: We weren't surprised because, you know Peter, he was really searching—he was trying to find his place in the world. And when he came back from being deployed, he tried a number of different things and really had not found what worked best for him. He had not yet found his place.
We were all a little surprised that he chose the Middle East when it was obviously sort of a hot zone and in a great deal of conflict, but it didn't surprise us because Peter had a big heart. He wanted to go where he thought he could make the most difference in the world and could utilize the talents that he had. So certainly we were supportive of that.
Q: What type of contact did you and your children have while he was over there and doing all this wonderful work?
A: In the beginning, none at all. Peter was the type of individual that communicated a great deal for a period of time, and then Peter would stop communicating for a period of time. So, really for a while, we didn't know what was going on with Peter and exactly what he was doing. It was the summer before he was taken—on Oct. 1—so it would be the summer of 2013 when he really started communicating again, particularly with Sam, his little brother.
Q: What was it like for Sam to hear from him while he was over there in the Middle East?
A: Wow, it was something. I mean, Sam desperately missed his big brother. He wanted contact with him; he wanted the relationship that they had before. He wanted it back. He wanted ongoing contact with Peter. And again it was the same as they first met—it was as if there hadn't been a break in communication.
They immediately started Facebooking and sharing each other's lives, getting caught up. Who was doing what? Where was Sam going to go to school? How was he doing in school? And they were planning to Skype just a couple of days before Peter then went missing on October the 1st, but unfortunately that never happened.
Q: Peter was captured on Oct. 1, 2013. How did you find out what had happened?
A: Well we didn't. Sam, as I mentioned, was Facebooking with Peter. They had made plans that they were going to get together for Thanksgiving that year, so Thanksgiving of 2013, and Sam was really excited that he had made those plans. Sam missed the Skype date with Peter, and then the next day, he was gone. I mean, his Facebook was gone, his organization website went dark, there was no communication at all. And at first, we didn't find that unusual, considering where he was, and I just kept reassuring Sam that it was most likely just a communication glitch, that Peter was probably just changing locations and just wasn't able to get Internet connection or wasn't able to get his Facebook back up.
So, for those first—even really for the first month, I just kept thinking, ‘Oh, this is normal, you know, don't worry Sam, Peter's gonna be back in touch and he's definitely going to see you at Thanksgiving.' But as time wore on, we became increasingly concerned. Peter could at times be out of touch, but he would not be in touch with Sam like that and then just leave his little brother hanging. So Sam grew increasingly desperate. Sam was going through a very difficult time at that time in his life, so his desperation just grew as time went on.
Finally around Christmas he wrote a letter to Paul and Ed and just asked ‘Where is my brother and why have I not heard from him?' But it was still a couple more months, it was the end of February, before we then were informed by Paula and Ed that Peter had been taken on October the 1st, and then we immediately let Jana and Sam know that that's what had happened.
Q: Had you suspected something bad had happened to him when you'd had no communication for so long?
A: After it had gone on for a couple of months, yes, considering where he was, I certainly did. And, I know that Sam and Jana both worried a great deal that something had happened. And, I think it's really unfortunate that they in particular had to suffer for five and a half months and worry, and be scared, and the unknown is really much worse than knowing. Because, if you know, you can start dealing with it. They were desperate, and they just wanted to know if their brother was OK.
Q: Once they found out what had happened to Peter—that he had been captured by the so-called Islamic State— what was their reaction?
A: Terror. I mean, it was terrifying. And, we were all scared and fearful. But, at the same time, hopeful. Hopeful at that time that the United States would be able to secure his release. And that he was still going to be able to somehow find his way back home. So, while we were very scared, and obviously very worried, and very stressed, we did have a lot of hope. You know, Peter's a survivor and Peter was tough. And, so, if anybody was going to get through this, it was going to be Peter.
Q: It wasn't until I believe about a year after this capture that ISIS released this video saying that he was their next execution target. How did your family find out about that video?
A: My son actually found out first, and that was from Google alerts. He had set his phone so that any time something came up about Peter, and so, I had hoped that if that happened, I wanted to know first. So that I could let both of Jana and Sam know.
But Sam found out first and actually he called me to tell me that Peter was on a video. And Paula also was trying to reach me. Paula was also calling at the same time Sam was calling and so she spoke with my husband. And then we went from there. It was a very dark day when that occurred.
Q: As things progressed and we hear pretty much silence from this group that's holding him, what did your family know? Were you in the loop with what the government was or wasn't doing to try and get him out of there?
A: We were not in the loop at all. Prior to Peter being named as the next victim, Paula and Ed did a beautiful job, a wonderful job, for lack of a better way of saying it, of keeping us in the loop. They would let us know what they knew. Once Peter was named as a victim, as the next intended victim, we never heard anything. It was like a wall of silence went up. And, for the first week, I just assumed it was everyone sort of reacting to the new normal.
The new normal now was Peter's name was public and Peter was the next victim. So, for that first week, I didn't really panic that we were going to remain in the dark. But, when I woke up that following Monday to the headlines that Peter was afraid to die, then I was very concerned because that was the first that myself and his brother and sister had heard that he had written that. That was not what he had expressed to his sister in her letter. So, it was very disturbing and particularly painful for Jana and Sam to hear about that in the news and not know that that's something that was going to be put into the news media.
Q: What's it like for an 18- and a 20-year-old to have to deal with a situation like this? Can you even put that into words?
A: It's hard for me as an adult who's experienced loss to even wrap my head around what has happened. And for this to be their first real experience with loss, it's been devastating. And for them to be kept in the dark and to not be allowed to help fight for their brother really added to that, really added to the damage and the trauma that they experienced by just trying to come to grips with what happened.
Their brother didn't just die, and that's horrible enough, their brother was murdered. And they weren't allowed to do anything to try and secure his release and that was devastating to them.
Q: There are people who may see this and say, ‘You gave Peter up for adoption. You signed away your rights. What did you expect from the government?' What do you say to those people?
A: I did sign away my legal rights. But that doesn't make us less of a family for Peter. And Jana and Sam didn't sign away any rights, they are Peter's brother and sister. And Peter wanted to be a member of our family, and Peter was a member of our family. Jana and Sam are his blood relatives—they are his brother and sister—they are no less a brother and sister than any other brother and sister than I was to my own brothers.And, you know, Peter knew that.
At 18, Peter figured out something that most of us haven't been able to figure out, and that's what it means to be a family. Peter loved beyond boundaries and limits, and our family wasn't about adoption versus biology, it was about love. And we loved Peter. Peter considered me a mom, I considered him a son, he was my son. And, he's Jana's and Sam's brother and sister. And that's not how we, and particularly Jana and Sam, were treated.
And we were not asking to be at the family table, so to speak, at strategy sessions, we were not asking to be included in trips to Washington, D.C. That's not what we were asking for. We were simply asking to receive victims' assistance, so that Jana and Sam could receive counseling that helps with this kind of traumatic grief. I mean, that's what the FBI specializes in. So whether or not they grew up with Peter or met him when they were 10 or 12, should not eliminate them, should not keep the government from offering the assistance that they need and that they needed at that time.
Q: What reasoning has the government given you for why they don't qualify for that victims' assistance?
A: It depends on when you ask them. When I asked repeatedly for assistance, I was told that we did not meet the legal definition of next-of-kin. And when I would push back on that and explain that our not being next-of-kin did not make us less of a family, what I was told is that they were not accustomed to dealing with such a unique situation. And again I pushed back and said, ‘How many families in this country are traditional?' Most of the families I know are blended in some way and I find it really hard to believe that we were the first non-traditional family that the FBI had ever dealt with.
But they fell back on that all of the time: you're not the legal next-of-kin. And I would acknowledge that, but Jana and Sam are Peter's brother and sister. And in Peter's darkest moments, he was thinking about his mom, his dad, and brother and his sister. And he was given the opportunity to write two letters and one of those was to his sister about her and about her brother, Sam.
So clearly, for Peter, they were the most important people in his life. And, shame on the government for treating them as if they didn't matter, as if they didn't exist. And Peter would be horrified and ashamed that the two people that he cherished the most, that he chose to write to under those kinds of conditions, are told that they're not enough of a family to consider for assistance. Now, of course, when that came public that that's how we felt as a family, they then said, ‘Well, no, we actually are inclusive. We do offer victims' assistance.' But, I still haven't gotten that phone call.
We still have not been offered assistance. And Jana and Sam were not allowed to in any way participate in helping secure Peter's release while he was still in captivity. And that's something that they're going to have to live with for the rest of their lives.
Q: How are they doing now?
A: It's tough. It's tough to go on and do normal things when you've lost someone that you love that much in such a horrific way. Jana is trying to finish out her junior semester at college. And while she's receiving a lot of support from the university, it's hard to study for a stats exam when you're thinking about your big brother being tortured for the last year and then being brutally murdered. And then wanting help and being told by the government that you don't count enough for that. And, Sam, very much the same, trying to figure out what's the new normal. He wants his big brother back. He was their big brother and Peter was a big brother. Peter, everything that Peter did, he did with fully embraced every moment of life and they want him back, we all want him back.
Q: How do you want Peter to be remembered?
A: I want Peter to be remembered for his limitless capacity to love. Peter didn't show up and meet his brother and sister and say, ‘You're my half brother and sister and therefore I have the half amount of love to give you.' When he met Jana and Sam, he was their brother. When he met me, he was my son. When he went to Syria and cared for the Syrian people, he loved them. Peter, he knew no boundaries when it came to love. And, I want people to remember that about him. I want them to remember what a big heart that he had. And, he really demonstrated for all of us that one person really can make a difference. And, that even the smallest act of kindness make a difference in this world. Peter was amazing. It's a real loss.
Q: Your family did have the opportunity to hold your own, private memorial ceremony. What did you do to honor his memory?
A: That was real important for us to have that. We needed to remember Peter as a member of our family. And, Jana and Sam needed the opportunity to finally speak about their brother. And, we also wanted him to be honored as a veteran, so our service was with full military honors. Was really very important to Jana and Sam that that take place. They wanted to make sure that the ranger creed was part of the service. And, it was really beautiful. Each one of us, myself and both Jana and Sam, spoke about Peter and how we each knew him. Jana had the opportunity to read from her letter that she received from Peter. And, Sam had a chance to talk about what it felt like to lose time with someone and that he learned that time is not infinite. And, we had all our family and friends there, most of which had met Peter. You know, when Peter came into our lives, he came into our lives. He went places with us, he met our friends, he met other family members. And, so, they all wanted the chance to honor Peter in the way that they knew Peter. So, it was a beautiful service.
Q: What was it like for you to give Peter up for adoption but then have him come back into your life and come back in and really truly become a son of yours?
A: As a birth mom, it's hard not to wish for that to happen. But, after I made the adoption plan for Peter, I wanted to live my life in such a way that if I was fortunate enough that my son wanted to find me again that I would be the kind of person that he would be proud. And, so I always hoped that he would come back. But, I knew that I couldn't live my life expecting that. I am still amazed that I was blessed enough to be one of the birth moms that got to have their child come back and find them.
And then, not only, he didn't just find us, he became a part of us. It wasn't storybook. It wasn't perfect. It wasn't a made-for-TV movie. Peter was a complicated individual. There were good times and there were not good times. And there were wonderful times and there were difficult times. So, in other words, we were like every other family. And I'm just fortunate that I got the time with him that I did.
Q: Would you mind reading part of the letter that he sent to his sister?
A: It just says, ‘Jana, the first and most important thing to remember is that I love you and Sam more than words can ever express. I am afraid, of course, but I am at peace with my situation and I will face whatever comes with as much dignity and faith as possible. It is very important, Jana, that you do not let anything that may happen to me pull you down. No matter what, I will be OK. I can handle it and I chose to come here knowing the risk and doing what I could do to help others the best way I know how. If I have to die, that's as good a reason as any.
Now, I have to be a big brother for a bit, even though I've been slacking for a while. I have made many mistakes, but I have also seen and done quite a bit in a short time. Despite the fact that you are two times as smart as me and eight times as mature, there may be a few bits and bobs here and there that I can pass on to you that you may find useful.
Number one, family is undeniably the most important thing. If there is one thing I wish I appreciated more, focused on more, and missed the most is my family. When everything else is gone, family is all you have.
Belief. It's important, Jana, to find, develop and maintain an ethos of some sort. It will give you direction and purpose. It can be an incredible source of strength, inspiration, motivation and resilience when things get tough.
Education is paramount. Get as much of it as you can and work hard in your classes. Never, ever stop reading, Jana. Try to learn something everyday. Pick a career path that drives you and challenges you, but make sure that you follow your passion. Don't be afraid to take risks and don't waste time doing something that makes you miserable. Life is way too short.
Number four, make sure you take time for the little things. Remember, you always have more time than you think you do. Read, go for walks, dance, sing and laugh.
Number five, civic duty. I encourage you to embrace the concept of responsibility to your fellow man and to your community, however you choose.
Number six, marriage and family. I hope you do whatever makes you the most happy. Whether that's marriage and kids or not, that's up to you. But, Jana, no matter what, always maintain your independence.
And, number seven, never be afraid to love. I will be happy if you are happy.
Finally, live abroad, travel, cause trouble, take risk. I suggest you travel as much as you can. Cause some mischief here and there, and don't play it to safe. But, please be careful.
I pray for the chance to see you and Sam again. I love you so much it hurts and I think of you all the time.
Never give up. Never stop loving.
Your brother always, Peter.'
Q: What would you say to Peter if you could give him one message, if you could send him a letter, what would it say?
A: Oh gosh, we all would give anything to have one more moment. Sorry. I would tell him how proud I am of him and I would tell him that I love him and that I always loved him and I always will love him. And I would tell him that Jana and Sam are going to be OK. And that he was a good big brother and he was always a good big brother and that we all make mistakes, but that we all love him very much.
Here is the full interview: